Bulletin

God's Ways Are Always Best
Bob Bauer

John Gottman and the Gottman Institute are well known in the marriage and family field. Gottman has studied marriages for more than 35 years and claims to be able to predict with 90% accuracy whether a couple will make it or whether they will not. He offers the following as his top tips to keeping a marriage strong: Seek help early; Edit yourself; Soften your "start up"; Accept influence; Have high standards; Learn to repair and exit the argument; and Focus on the bright side. Some Christians may regard psychology as "psychobabble," but I am convinced that the best and most effective psychologists and therapists are those whose principles have a foundation in the Word of God. Let us consider the above tips in the light of God's word.

Seek help early: Gottman writes, "The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years)." The wise man penned in Proverbs, "A wise man will hear and increase learning, And a man of understanding will attain wise counsel," (Proverbs 1:5 NKJV). He also wrote that "he who heeds counsel is wise" (12:15) and that one should "Listen to counsel and receive instruction that you may be wise in your latter days" (19:20). The wise couple will seek counsel when having persistent difficulties.

Edit Yourself: Gottman writes, "Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest."
Paul wrote, "Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers" (Ephesians 4:29). He also wrote, "Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one" (Col. 4:6). The wise couple will choose their words carefully during times of contention.

Soften your "start up": Gottman writes, "Arguments first ‘start up' because a spouse some-times escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a con-frontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame."

God tells us through his inspired writer, "A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger" (Pro. 15:1) and "Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles" (Pro. 21:23). One of the quickest ways to diffuse tension is for one of the parties involved to remain calm.

Accept influence: Gottman writes, "A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, ‘Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready,' and her husband replies, ‘My plans are set, and I'm not changing them'. This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well."

Jesus said, "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets" (Mt. 7:12). Paul wrote, "Let no one seek his own, but each one the other's well -being" (1 Cor. 10:24). The wise husband will not be a tyrant in his home but will allow the needs of his wife to influence him.

Have high standards: Gottman writes, "Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road."

Jesus taught, "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother" (Mt. 18:15). Luke records Jesus saying, "Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him" (Lk. 17:3). The Lord expects us to hold others accountable for their actions, even husbands and wives.

Learn to repair and exit the argument: Gottman writes, "Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark (‘I understand that this is hard for you'); making it clear you're on common ground (‘This is our problem'); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way (‘I really appreciate and want to thank you for.…'). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm."

Again, biblical principles are inherent in Gottman's comments. The wise man penned, "A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger" (Pro. 15:1) and "The beginning of strife is like releasing water; Therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts" (Pro.17:14). The apostle Paul wrote to the Philippians, "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others" (Phil. 2:3-4). In a happy marriage both the husband and wife seek the best for their spouse and are willing to deny themselves for their spouse.

Focus on the bright side: Gottman writes, "In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example, ‘We laugh a lot;' not, ‘We never have any fun'. A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account."

God tells us in his word that "whatever a man sows, that he will also reap" (Ga. 6:7 NKJV). If we sow a constant diet of negativity in our marriage, why would we expect positivity and happiness. The wise man said that "he who is of a merry heart has a continual feast" (Pro.15:15).

Gottman offers some good suggestions how to make our marriages better. What makes them beneficial is that they have their foundation in the word of God. God knows us better than any therapist or psychologist for He is our Maker and it is only when we follow His guidance in our life and in our marriages that we can have the kind of marriage that He wants for us.

Citations used by permission of the Gottman Institute. www.gottman.com
(888) 523-9042 gottman@gottman.com
http://www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/